Dear..

Dear Loaf of Bread,

This is exactly why I hid you in the freezer, you have got to stop talking to me at four in the morning.

It's annoying, and I don't really want to eat you. 'Kay? Thanks.

- H.

Subterranean Homesick Blues.

Had nothing but water today, finally eased back into fasting.

Been walking 2 hours a day on the treadmill since I got it on Tuesday, I just finished walking an hour (3.5 mph) and around 8 or 9 I'll walk my second hour.

What a boring day, it's dusty and thundering outside and I'm being a hermit as usual.

- H.

Oh, but she wanted more.

I'm tired.

I'm tired and I want to scream and shout and tear myself to pieces.

My will is hell bent on self-destruction, it terrifies me how much I loathe myself...

It terrifies me that even after nearly six years I'm still the same broken little girl I was when this all began, deep down I'm made of shards of glass.

My insides are ugly ugly ugly, I wish I could turn myself inside out and take a brillo pad to my stomach to my lungs to my heart and to every organ I've mangled and damaged with my self-hatred self-punishment.

Beneath this smile, this charade is a darkness few have seen. Ugly dirty things lie beneath my surface and I never claimed I was sane.

Does this scare you? My ramblings, my inner battle between good and bad where bad always prevails? It should.

Over the years I've perfected my habits, I refined them, re-dressed them as something sophisticated something one might overlook. I traded my razorblades and scars for far deadlier weapons, I quietly re-molded my disorder, my chaos.

Now no one can see what I'm planning, because they don't know what to look for...

In time, I will wreck myself with everything that was meant for you.

In time, the muffled cries of my disease will be heard...

- H.

Finally!

Short post today but I finally found a decent affordable treadmill! Since I haven't been able to renew my membership at the gym and my old treadmill was ruined (my dad cut the cord) I finally found one.

Ah, this is the motivation I've been needing.

I'm going to look at it tomorrow, wish me luck!.

-H.

{ We built a tall tall tower. }

To say that I'm lost...would be a severe understatement.

Idon'tknowwhatI'mdoinganymore.

This week has been hectic, but then again so is every week.

I went to stay at my father's house for a couple of days, because Wednesday night I woke up with this excruciating pain in my stomach. I was running a fever, sweating and trembling.

I was sure I was going to die, the pain was so unbearable I couldn't breathe.

I called my father in the middle of the night to take me to the ER, you know what he said?

"Can't you wait 'til morning?" fuck you asshole, I'm on the fucking bathroom floor all but screaming in agony and you won't even take me to the fucking ER.

Of course me being the hot-headed-stubborn-good-for-nothing-masochist that I am hung up on him and decided to endure the pain, that if something did happen he would feel guilty for not taking me.

After about 2 hours I couldn't take it anymore, I had already taken about 600 mg of Paracetamol and it didn't help, I took 3 different kinds of anti-acids to no avail.

Finally I dug through my mother's purse while she was asleep and took a Tramadol, the pain eased after about 15 minutes, my mind grew fuzzy and I sunk into a stupor.

I missed that feeling...I missed being able to chug down a hand full of pills and give into the haze, but this was not a relapse. No, this was for pain and I wasn't going to do it again.

My father picked me up the next morning and took me to the doctor, he poked and prodded me.

Hmm-ed and haw-ed and finally concluded he needed an endoscopy done before he could make a definite diagnosis. Well, no shit sherlock.

Dumbfucks.

Got my endoscopy re-scheduled because my father was going to be out of town for the rest of this week and I stayed at his place just milling about eating myself senseless. More agony, more writhing in pain, you'd think I'd learn by now and maybe use that to my advantage but nooo not me. I'm such a dumbfuck.

I know I said I was going to start over in my last post, I'm starting over tomorrow. REALLY, I SWEAR.

If I don't, please W. beat the shit out of me.

Anyways, speaking of W. I had the oddest dream about her last night.

I dreamed we were going to college together and we were walking through these woods behind the college when this guy shot me through the abdomen, apparently thinking I was a deer.

Figures, with all the stomach pain I've been having...

My dream ended with W. finding an African American baby crying under a picnic table, how odd.

Sorry for the long meaningless rant post...I just feel so...lost...so angry at everything lately.

I miss my girlfriend...I miss my life.

- H.

You are what you eat

If this was true and everybody really was what they ate
I would eat only sticks
and twigs
or toothpicks

and things like feathers
and tiny sweet cakes
and the spores that fly off dandeloins when you make a wish
and special things like that

- W.

Well, fuck. { Warning: Contains the word "fuck" in possibly every sentence. }

It's been a while I know, and as to be expected; I fucked up, bad.

I'm not talking one binge or even two binges, no no. I mean binge after binge after fucking binge for days and days until I end up collapsed on the bathroom floor with my arms wrapped around the porcelain train.

Reason for this, you ask? Exams, my fucking sorry excuse for a father, my currently non-existent social life, my mother who has eating disordered tendencies, oh and I have a fucking ULCER.

This my dears, is one of the many 'perks' of having an eating disorder.

Not only did I eat myself into writhing agony, but I developed an ulcer.

I have an endoscopy scheduled for next week, I'm terrified to say the least.

Though I have been talking more...openly with my mother about my eating disorder. She knows it's the reason for my ulcer, she also finally acknowledged that she has the tendency to indulge in my very same rituals of binging and restricting. bingebingerestrictvomitbingestarvevomitvomitvomit.

My life is a mess, a big, bloody, disgusting, disappointing mess.

Spring break is finally on though...and hopefully I can reverse this chaos and once and for all get a tight grip on my self-control, self-restraint.

Starting over tomorrow, re-writing my intake schedule, setting rewards for each goal, exercising daily, everything.

This has to stop, there is no more in between. There is only thin or fat, control or chaos, now or never.

I can't take this. I'm broken enough, just give me this one, one simple, pure thing.

Is that so much to ask?

-H.