I'm not talking one binge or even two binges, no no. I mean binge after binge after fucking binge for days and days until I end up collapsed on the bathroom floor with my arms wrapped around the porcelain train.
Reason for this, you ask? Exams, my fucking sorry excuse for a father, my currently non-existent social life, my mother who has eating disordered tendencies, oh and I have a fucking ULCER.
This my dears, is one of the many 'perks' of having an eating disorder.
Not only did I eat myself into writhing agony, but I developed an ulcer.
I have an endoscopy scheduled for next week, I'm terrified to say the least.
Though I have been talking more...openly with my mother about my eating disorder. She knows it's the reason for my ulcer, she also finally acknowledged that she has the tendency to indulge in my very same rituals of binging and restricting. bingebingerestrictvomitbingestarvevomitvomitvomit.
My life is a mess, a big, bloody, disgusting, disappointing mess.
Spring break is finally on though...and hopefully I can reverse this chaos and once and for all get a tight grip on my self-control, self-restraint.
Starting over tomorrow, re-writing my intake schedule, setting rewards for each goal, exercising daily, everything.
This has to stop, there is no more in between. There is only thin or fat, control or chaos, now or never.
I can't take this. I'm broken enough, just give me this one, one simple, pure thing.
Is that so much to ask?
-H.
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