Disaster.

Yesterday was a disaster, my mother forced me to eat dinner with her which set off a massive binge afterwards.

Fuck.

I must have consumed at least 2,000 calories.

I couldn't purge because she was home and would hear me, so the best I could do was take some laxatives.

It ruined my whole day, I hate restarting fasts, especially after going this long. Damn it.

I'm worried about W. she hasn't posted in two days, I hope she's alright...

So I'm starting over today and still weighing in on Friday.

Sorry for the short post, more later. ( if anyone even reads it anyways. )

- H.

I need an echo not your praise.

I stand next to my mother at the twin basins in our bathroom, eyes down, brushing my teeth in silence. My mother rinses her tooth brush and looks at me. "You're brushing too hard! Be careful or you'll end up wearing the enamel on your teeth."

I spit and watch the swirls of blood tint the foam and slide down the drain.

"Yeah, well there are other obvious reasons why that's pretty much inevitable."

I mumbled and rinsed my tooth brush off, "Like what?" She asked, eyes widened.

I sighed, I hate it when she plays stupid. My eating disorder has always been the white elephant sitting in the middle of the living room, everyone sees it but no one mentions it or acknowledges it.

Even when I was at my sickest and had to be admitted my parents stood in the sidelines, over the years they just assumed it was a phase and had long since passed, when in truth I had just gotten better at hiding it.

I shot an annoyed look at her. "What...like vomiting?" She choked out. "Yeah mom, there's that..."

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That's the closest she's come to finally admitting what's been under her nose for years.

Anyways, that was last night and my irritation was short-lived, thankfully.

So I'm going to end my fast on Friday and start restricting, not sure about W. though.

I don't know much about your routines and such, hopefully you'll post more about that?

Intake for the day:

1 and 1/2 cups of coffee {about 80 cals.}

Water.

I'm exhausted and finally feeling the heartbreak I've been trying to keep at bay.

- H.

Over and over again, more and more for the pain .

It seems I'm on a hormone-fueled rampage today, every little thing has gotten on my nerves and I hate myself like this. I prefer the calm, clean, cold starving me.

I just finished cooking what used to be (many years ago before I became a vegan) one of my favorite things to eat; enchiladas.
It wasn't as tempting as I thought it would be, I've gotten used to cooking for my family and learning to control my compulsion to eat during or after I'm done was hard but not impossible.
My mother works and is often too busy to keep house or make dinner so that job falls on me.
So the third day of my liquid fast was as hard as it always is but I made it through with only a minor slip up; I had a bouillon cube (made into broth). Liquid yes, but still far too much sodium.


Being on my period often makes me feel ravenous and nauseated at the same time, a horrid combination.

W. if you read this, I'm doing alright I know you were worried but I'm coping. I'm just glad for your posts and support, it helps tremendously.

I had missed being back on track, long fasts used to be my favorite thing to do but for months I couldn't seem to find the control I once had. I think I have now and I'm relieved.


Intake for the day:
1/2 cup of coffee with 2 tsps sugar {32 cals.}
1 bouillon cube (broth) {32 cals.}

Total of: 64 liquid cals for the day.

I think I'll put off weighing myself until this damned period is over, I hope I can manage that. I usually weigh myself a ridiculous amount of times a day but I don't need the disappointment of water weight right now.

-H.

Day 2 of liquid fast: Complete...

H. again,

So it's safe to say today was a mess, well to be more accurate; I was a mess.

Last night my girlfriend { who was pretty much the only other good thing in my life } told me she needed a break...for a few months, of course I was devastated but given her reasons I would be selfish to say no. I need her to be happy, her happiness comes before mine, and that's how it's supposed to be. End of story.

I wanted to cry but tears are useless, and I have other, quieter ways of coping.

So I had my coffee this morning, weighed in and was still 57 kilos, which was to be expected since my body is still in the first days of detox.

Class was nearly unbearable though, I hadn't slept well last night for obvious reasons and was feeling restless and in need of a long walk.

I came home to a wreck of an apartment that I had just spent all day yesterday cleaning, I live with my siblings and one parent, they're messy as fuck.

I was exhausted and took my frustration out on my brother, then locked myself in the bathroom for well over an hour trying to purge the second cup of coffee I had just consumed.

Failed at that, my gag reflex is terrible now. Three fingers down my throat and still couldn't get anything more than a cough. Fuck.

Then as if my day wasn't going to shit fast enough, I got my period, and you know what that means.

Almost 2 fucking kilos in period weight, I know it's mostly water and bloating but it still devastated me.

That's one thing I did not miss at all.

Intake for today:

2 Cups of coffee with 2 tbsps of milk each {80 cals.}

6 Glasses of water.

Sugarfree gum.

Let's hope tomorrow isn't as pathetic as today was.

-H.

Day 1 of liquid fast: Complete.

H. here,

We started a liquid fast today as W. mentioned in her first post, the first day for me is always the easiest and the third is the hardest but after that it gets easy again.

The rules of our fast are as follows:

Coffee and tea are allowed with no more than 2 tsps of sugar (if needed) {32cals} and 2 tbsps of low fat milk {about 40 cals} instead of creamer (again, only if needed)

A maximum of 100 liquid cals a day only.

Water is very important of course in a liquid fast, it's vital to keep hydrated to avoid as much damage as possible during long term fasts or restrictions.

So about 6-8 (but not limited to, more if possible is great) 8oz glasses of water spaced out throughout the day as not to consume it all at once causing bloating and water retention.

My intake today:

1/2 cup black coffee

Sugarfree gum.

5 glasses of water (so far.)

I already feel purer, stronger and calm.

I hope tomorrow goes as well.

- H.

Introduction to destruction.

I suppose this is the part where I dig into the mess that is my past and tell you what made me who I am today, yeah.

Call me H.

I'm just a girl searching for something tangible to grasp, some sort of calm in the storm that is my life.

I can't pin point the exact event that pushed me off the edge, it was more of a series of catastrophes throughout my teenage years that pushed and pulled me under the waves until I got tired of swimming.

I guess you could say I grew up in a "broken" home. You know how they say home is where your heart is? Well, I've forever been without a heart.

My life has always been unpredictable, some might say "oh, it builds character." But no, not that kind of unpredictable, the kind that inevitably ends every year with boxes.

Packing became a task I grew steadily accustomed to, a skill I perfected with the years and moves from houses to apartments, cities to towns. I never knew how long my family would stay in one place.

I taught myself not to get attached to any one thing, place, or person because disappointment and loss would be just around the corner.

I craved some sort of control within the chaos, my life was ruled by parents who had lost their love for each other years ago, who couldn't stay in one place for more than a year.

My father was never much of a father, he was a stranger to me, someone who I could never make proud or make love me..

I craved his compassion like oxygen, I needed his approval as if there was nothing else as important. But I never got it, I could never make him smile, never earned those three simple words.. "I love you."

As for my mother? She was distant, she busied herself with marathons and fitness. I could see her trying desperately to fill the void inside her and it killed me to see her so empty and frantic to find a cure.

I felt like a ghost for years, a passenger in a car speeding past cities but never interacting with its people. I never could figure out how to become part of the crowd, I never understood the mechanics of love of belonging...

I struggled through school, hugging the hallway walls, trying to pass through school like I did life. Quietly, unnoticed.

Eventually I became tangled in various bad habits, cutting my skin to breathe through the suffocation. I hid my scars well, my parents never knew until I told them.

No one ever told me there were better ways to cope, no one ever showed me the path of hope.

I was drowning in an ache I believed there was no salvage from.

I cried out in the dark for years, on my knees in prayer, hands held high asking God to show me the right way, to send me an angel to guide me through this pain.

I waited in silence for years, God never answered my pleading. I gave up asking, thinking even God turned his back on me.

I was ashamed, I felt worthless. I didn't know who to ask for help, I desperately needed a hand to hold on to, to pull me up out of the hole I spent years digging for myself...I didn't know which way was up.

Needless to say, things never really got 'better', I did however learn how to manage my pain.

Through starvation, through hunger pangs, through purging and restricting I found control.

I found salvation in my disease.

Yes, there should have been a better way. Yes, I know I will one day die from this disease, I know I am damaging my body in unimaginable, unfathomable ways.

I've tried to stop, I've tried recovery but I finally came to terms with my illness, I finally learned to be honest with myself. I don't ever want to give it up. I don't need to get better.

It was never a choice, not even after five and a half years. I gave myself to my ED, I sacrificed my health, my friends, my life for this.

Because my days are dark and my nights even darker, but sometimes, just sometimes I can see the light shining from under that locked door and that ray is my control in the chaos.

The eye of the storm, the shelter from the rain.

Twisted? Yes.

Sick? Most definitely.

Safe? Not at all.

But this is my life now, this is what I have become and I'm too tired to fight what I know, deep down inside I love with every bone in my body.

I thought I was alone for so long, I joined communities for the disordered but never connected with anyone, I felt scared at times and overjoyed other times.

I never had anyone to share it with, until now.

Have you met W.?

She's my crutch, my new found stability.

We decided to start this blog together for the sole purpose of support and encouragement, a way to keep a journal of our lives and everyday struggles with Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa.

But if you're looking for a quick fix, 'tips 'N tricks' please leave, because we're not going to invite or help anyone else fall into the web of compulsion and obsession.

This is a disease, NOT a weight loss plan or lifestyle.

We're just two girls struggling to live through and with our diseases. Supporting one another when there is no one else around to shed light on this darkness.

Support us? Great. But if you feel the need to voice your disagreement or rant and rave this isn't the place to do so.

We're not ignorant, we know exactly what it means to give in.

We only hope that somehow we can offer support to not only each other but others out there like us, you're not alone.

Love, H.