I AM NOT.

I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.

I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.

I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.

I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.

I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.

Violent Delights.

The anchor clanks
Your heart sank
Your body locks
The weight that you hail
Leaves cracks in the wall
You're safe
You're scared.

Starving never felt as easy as it does now, my stomach remains empty, my lungs are full of smoke.

I stumble through the halls at night, clinging to the plaster, trying to keep conscious as the dizziness engulfs me.

I smoke the hunger away, plumes of white that rise with my breath as I exhale. I exhale the good, inhale the bad.

The day brings sleep and the night I wake, dreamless, sleepless and leaden eyed.

Something inside of me breaks away, chips off my soul like dried paint.

A small voice whispers in my ear, seductively sweet, dangerously persuasive. "Starve on, starve on."

The ceaseless need to shrink away, to cave inward and escape my own skin.

Let the bones devour me, let them stand out sharply in protest again my very existence.

Let them see the pain I hold within, let them see the fragility of my sins.

I exist to desire the things that will destroy me in the end.

I exist to desire the things that will destroy me in the end.

Fast Day 2.

I weighed myself this morning and was relieved to see I'm finally back to my 'safe' weight.

57 kilos. It's still A LOT but it's the weight I usually have to maintain when I'm under my parent's suspicion. Luckily, I'm living with my father at the moment and he doesn't even notice my presence. I hardly ever see him, he works late then comes home and sleeps.

I say a couple of words to him in the morning sometimes, other than that I can go days without seeing him. It's bliss.

I hate how my weight fluctuates, it seems like for the past month I've been losing and gain the same couple of pounds, hopefully that's going to change.

Last night was rough, I got the sudden urge to text my ex and wish her well...I tried to talk myself out of it and succeeded for a few hours only to break down much later and send it.

It turned out better and worse than I thought if that makes any sense, her replies broke my heart and made me realize that despite my thoughts she still cared and she did what she had to because she was hurting...that being friends after having shared something so remarkable was too hard for either of us to handle and simply made us bitter towards one another.

We both want each other in our lives but I suppose it's just not time...

Until then, I'll wait...I still love her as if it never ended and I know she still loves me but not with the same intensity as before, that kills me but I had suspected it this whole time so I wasn't taken by surprise.

I was shaking so hard waiting for her replies, and broke down almost immediately after reading them...

Smoked myself sick and laid on the bathroom floor for a while, the cold tile soothing my feverish skin. I cried for a few hours until I felt my heart switch to autopilot, until the numbness kicked in.

I'm exhausted today, I broke down into so many little pieces last night...I'm too tired to even attempt to put myself back together.

You have to do what you can with the fractured pieces of yourself...

Hit cruise control and rub my eyes.

My days feel so long and the nights are nearly unbearable.

I ache from the inside out, fuel for my hunger.

I'm losing myself again and I don't mind much.

Liquid Fast Day 1 take 2.

Here I am again, a mess and a failure.

I fucked up yesterday and binged on french fries, who the fuck binges on french fries?

I disgust myself.

I started over today, so far I've only had iced green tea and cigarettes. So, I think I've got a hand on it. We'll see.

I woke this morning from a dream in which I held my ex girlfriend again, her dark hair fell messily around her face and she gazed at me lovingly.

I ached, my chest tightened even in my sleep I was shaken with grief.

Why does love have to destroy us so? Why must I dream of her every night when chances are I probably never cross her mind.

Dear god, I miss her so much these days I don't know what to do with myself.

Even now, after 5 months, I break apart just thinking of her.

I'm so messed up. I'm so fucking broken.

I just want to crawl out of my body for a while. I'm too heavy, I need to be weightless...I need to escape...

End Of Fast.

The other day I had to end my fast, it was very disappointing since I was only 6 days in.

There was no way around it, my father had insisted on taking us all out for dinner, I tried everything I could to get out of it and even while we were there he watched me like a hawk.

However, even though my liquid fast for HFC ended I can still pick up where I left off on my own and just join next month's fast when it rolls around.

I did a little detox yesterday, just to get that empty clean feeling back. Laxatives are not my proudest option but even though you've most likely already absorbed the calories of your last meal, it still helps to get the food out. Considering I have no gag reflex and almost always fail at purging these days, it was my only option.

This morning I started my liquid fast with a fresh fruit smoothie, I split it in two glasses and drank one in the morning, I'm saving the other for dinner.

It's a bit high in the calorie area but the first day always is, that way it's easier to slowly taper off.

Fresh Fruit Smoothie:

1 cup no fat yogurt: 80

1 cup frozen strawberries: 50

sweet n' low: 4

1 cup fresh oj: 112

1 (5") banana: 72

Total: 318 cals.

So, 159 calories now and 159 calories later.

Intake update.

I was still feeling kind of dizzy so I made myself a low cal smoothie.

Strawberry Yogurt Smoothie:

1 cup no fat yogurt: 80 cals.

1 cup frozen strawberries: 50 cals.

2 sweet n' low: 2 cals.

Total: 132 cals.

I managed to stay under 150 cals which is good for today.

Blog change + fasting day 4 update.

So, I talked to W. the other night and we both agreed that since she won't be posting on here anymore as she is too busy and currently internetless I would convert it to my own personal blog.

We may end up creating another joint blog in the future but it all depends on our daily demands and whether we have free time or not.

Anyways, today is day 4 of my fast and it was particularly miserable because I cut back on the massive amounts of iced tea I've been drinking for the past 3 days. I've been keeping my liquid cals to a minimum of 100-150 cals per day.

Even though I haven't been exercising for the past days of my fast I blacked out today while walking down the hallway and came to on the living room floor shaking and disoriented. Odd considering I've gone for far longer and never fainted, it's only been 4 days for fuck's sake.

Last night I was particularly proud of myself because my father took me out for a spin around town and planned on taking me out for Chinese (which I have been craving for the past few weeks) but just as I was about to give in to my rumbling stomach and shaking hands I got a surge of the most exquisite feeling of power and persuaded him to take me to the bookstore instead.

I felt relieved that I evaded the disastrous binge I knew would have happened and managed to keep my fast. I almost always buckle on the 3rd day and slip up, it's like an unwritten rule that's always made me feel like such a failure but I kicked it to the curb last night and it felt amazing.

I have been smoking a lot more lately (not that I'm complaining as I do love to smoke) and it's helped pacify the hunger pangs for short periods at a time.

Right now I'm just trying to keep myself busy since my insomnia is back with a vengeance and I spend all night thinking about what's in the fridge, counting the calories and feeling hopelessly obsessed.

Last night however, I managed to get 5 or so hours of sleep and I regret it because I had the most terrible dream, I dreamt I was gorging myself on a bucket of my favorite ice cream. I woke feeling terrified that I had actually consumed it in my sleep, as I felt my stomach contract against the emptiness I was beyond relieved.

Nothing feels better than waking up every morning to see your bones slowly growing in prominence sharply against your skin.

Well, I'm off.

-H.

Hungry For A Change.

I'm not sure if W. plans on continuing this blog with me because things have been rough on both our sides but I'm picking up where I left off and hopefully going to update regularly now.

I started fasting for Hungry For A Change and my fast is a liquid one.

I was reluctant at first to add our blog to the directory but I'm working on an email now to change that. I think it would be good motivation for my fast if I connected with other fasters and compared my progress.

I'm fasting against domestic violence but also for myself, I need this right now and I need to pull through.

-H.