I suppose this is the part where I dig into the mess that is my past and tell you what made me who I am today, yeah.
Call me H.
I'm just a girl searching for something tangible to grasp, some sort of calm in the storm that is my life.
I can't pin point the exact event that pushed me off the edge, it was more of a series of catastrophes throughout my teenage years that pushed and pulled me under the waves until I got tired of swimming.
I guess you could say I grew up in a "broken" home. You know how they say home is where your heart is? Well, I've forever been without a heart.
My life has always been unpredictable, some might say "oh, it builds character." But no, not that kind of unpredictable, the kind that inevitably ends every year with boxes.
Packing became a task I grew steadily accustomed to, a skill I perfected with the years and moves from houses to apartments, cities to towns. I never knew how long my family would stay in one place.
I taught myself not to get attached to any one thing, place, or person because disappointment and loss would be just around the corner.
I craved some sort of control within the chaos, my life was ruled by parents who had lost their love for each other years ago, who couldn't stay in one place for more than a year.
My father was never much of a father, he was a stranger to me, someone who I could never make proud or make love me..
I craved his compassion like oxygen, I needed his approval as if there was nothing else as important. But I never got it, I could never make him smile, never earned those three simple words.. "I love you."
As for my mother? She was distant, she busied herself with marathons and fitness. I could see her trying desperately to fill the void inside her and it killed me to see her so empty and frantic to find a cure.
I felt like a ghost for years, a passenger in a car speeding past cities but never interacting with its people. I never could figure out how to become part of the crowd, I never understood the mechanics of love of belonging...
I struggled through school, hugging the hallway walls, trying to pass through school like I did life. Quietly, unnoticed.
Eventually I became tangled in various bad habits, cutting my skin to breathe through the suffocation. I hid my scars well, my parents never knew until I told them.
No one ever told me there were better ways to cope, no one ever showed me the path of hope.
I was drowning in an ache I believed there was no salvage from.
I cried out in the dark for years, on my knees in prayer, hands held high asking God to show me the right way, to send me an angel to guide me through this pain.
I waited in silence for years, God never answered my pleading. I gave up asking, thinking even God turned his back on me.
I was ashamed, I felt worthless. I didn't know who to ask for help, I desperately needed a hand to hold on to, to pull me up out of the hole I spent years digging for myself...I didn't know which way was up.
Needless to say, things never really got 'better', I did however learn how to manage my pain.
Through starvation, through hunger pangs, through purging and restricting I found control.
I found salvation in my disease.
Yes, there should have been a better way. Yes, I know I will one day die from this disease, I know I am damaging my body in unimaginable, unfathomable ways.
I've tried to stop, I've tried recovery but I finally came to terms with my illness, I finally learned to be honest with myself. I don't ever want to give it up. I don't need to get better.
It was never a choice, not even after five and a half years. I gave myself to my ED, I sacrificed my health, my friends, my life for this.
Because my days are dark and my nights even darker, but sometimes, just sometimes I can see the light shining from under that locked door and that ray is my control in the chaos.
The eye of the storm, the shelter from the rain.
Twisted? Yes.
Sick? Most definitely.
Safe? Not at all.
But this is my life now, this is what I have become and I'm too tired to fight what I know, deep down inside I love with every bone in my body.
I thought I was alone for so long, I joined communities for the disordered but never connected with anyone, I felt scared at times and overjoyed other times.
I never had anyone to share it with, until now.
Have you met W.?
She's my crutch, my new found stability.
We decided to start this blog together for the sole purpose of support and encouragement, a way to keep a journal of our lives and everyday struggles with Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa.
But if you're looking for a quick fix, 'tips 'N tricks' please leave, because we're not going to invite or help anyone else fall into the web of compulsion and obsession.
This is a disease, NOT a weight loss plan or lifestyle.
We're just two girls struggling to live through and with our diseases. Supporting one another when there is no one else around to shed light on this darkness.
Support us? Great. But if you feel the need to voice your disagreement or rant and rave this isn't the place to do so.
We're not ignorant, we know exactly what it means to give in.
We only hope that somehow we can offer support to not only each other but others out there like us, you're not alone.
Love, H.
