I weighed myself this morning and was relieved to see I'm finally back to my 'safe' weight.
57 kilos. It's still A LOT but it's the weight I usually have to maintain when I'm under my parent's suspicion. Luckily, I'm living with my father at the moment and he doesn't even notice my presence. I hardly ever see him, he works late then comes home and sleeps.
I say a couple of words to him in the morning sometimes, other than that I can go days without seeing him. It's bliss.
I hate how my weight fluctuates, it seems like for the past month I've been losing and gain the same couple of pounds, hopefully that's going to change.
Last night was rough, I got the sudden urge to text my ex and wish her well...I tried to talk myself out of it and succeeded for a few hours only to break down much later and send it.
It turned out better and worse than I thought if that makes any sense, her replies broke my heart and made me realize that despite my thoughts she still cared and she did what she had to because she was hurting...that being friends after having shared something so remarkable was too hard for either of us to handle and simply made us bitter towards one another.
We both want each other in our lives but I suppose it's just not time...
Until then, I'll wait...I still love her as if it never ended and I know she still loves me but not with the same intensity as before, that kills me but I had suspected it this whole time so I wasn't taken by surprise.
I was shaking so hard waiting for her replies, and broke down almost immediately after reading them...
Smoked myself sick and laid on the bathroom floor for a while, the cold tile soothing my feverish skin. I cried for a few hours until I felt my heart switch to autopilot, until the numbness kicked in.
I'm exhausted today, I broke down into so many little pieces last night...I'm too tired to even attempt to put myself back together.
You have to do what you can with the fractured pieces of yourself...
